You Oughta Know
by Why the Rum is Gone
Summary: A truly rediculous songfic. Don't ask. You really don't want to know. Read at your own risk.


Bob the Cat: Umm… This is mine. As are the apologies to all who read it. I know that Merle and Van are like brother and sister or something like that, but note the PARODY. 

Pyro Lady Tequila: And I was the Almighty Editor on this one, fun job, that. And now we must say here that we don't own the song "You Oughta Know." It's by Alanis Morrisette, and we stole it from her. But we're giving credit where credit is due, so it's all good. And we don't own Escaflowne or any of the characters in it, as much as we would like to. We DO own the DVDs though… BwachaCHA!! 

Oh, and one more word… REVIEW US!!! Please! And if you feel like flaming us, do so at your own risk. Remember, we ARE pyros…

"You Oughta Know"

The war with Zaibach was finally over, and everyone was gathered at Fanelia after being invited by Van, who claimed to have something important to tell everyone. They had finished dinner, and were sitting around amusing themselves, Van not being the most entertaining host. 

On one side of the table sat Allen, Van, Hitomi, and Eries. Allen was carefully examining his hair in the reflection of his soup spoon, while surreptitiously flicking French peas across the table at Dryden. Van was scowling manfully at the tablecloth and ignoring everyone but Hitomi, who was trying to get wasted on the "Fanelian vino". Fortunately, the small amount of wine that Balgus hadn't "borrowed" had burned in the fire, so Hitomi was actually just drinking mass amounts of grape juice. Eries was silently drinking her tea, and politely ignoring everyone. 

On the other side of the table sat Merle, Dryden, and Millerna. Merle was surprisingly moody, and had not touched her meal, or spoken to anyone all night. Everyone assumed it was bad PMS, and didn't worry. Dryden was folding his paper napkin into creative shapes and stoically ignoring the peas that were rapidly coating the entire left side of his face. Millerna had confiscated the roast boar carcass, and was joyfully examining her prize. 

In the midst of all this excitement, Van shocked everyone by clearing his throat. They stared intently at him, assuming they were about to hear the important surprise and hoping it wasn't that he was getting a haircut next week. Van looked around nervously, and glanced at Hitomi as if for help, but she had taken her new high tolerance personally and was slurping up grape juice with a vengeance. Van cleared his throat once more. "Hitomi and I have something we want to tell you." Everyone waited with semi baited breath, wishing for something exciting but not too hopeful, seeing as this was Van. The aforementioned teen was looking a little disturbed by the attention. "Er…" he continued. 

Finally Millerna lost patience. "For Escaflowne's sake, Van, just say it! Are you pregnant?! Have you found your long lost twin?! Are you finally coming out of the closet?!" 

This caught Hitomi's attention. "Van!" she exclaimed. "You never told me you had a long lost twin." Everyone around the table gave a collective snicker. 

Van rolled his eyes. "Fine! Hitomi and I are going out!"

Everyone sighed in disappointment as they leaned back in their seats. Eries put her tea cup in the saucer, looked at the happy couple, announced "Congratulations," and picked her tea back up.

Dryden grinned and winked at Van and told them to "have fun".

"I'm sure you'll be very happy," Millerna said with disinterest.

Allen muttered something unintelligible under his breath, and started aiming the peas at Van, much to Dryden's relief.

Hitomi looked ecstatic. "Thanks so much, guys!" She beamed to the people who were already ignoring her and wondering when they could get out of here and back to a land that served alcohol. She turned to Merle, still beaming. "What about you, Merle?" she asked teasingly.

For a long moment, there was no sound whatsoever as Merle continued to stare at her lap. Everyone looked up, hoping against hope that something interesting was about to happen. Finally, just as Hitomi was about to get truly insulted and slap somebody, the catgirl spoke in a monotone. "I want you to know, that I'm happy for you. I wish nothing but the best for you both."

For the second time that evening, the guests sank back to their chairs. Hitomi turned on the lighthouse beam once more. "Well, that was just lovel-"

Suddenly, Merle's head shot up, revealing a deathglare to make Heero Yuy flinch. Staring at Van, she began speaking in snarl. "An older version of me? Is she perverted like me?"

She had the guests' full attention in an instant. Now this was worth seeing! Merle continued to a shocked and frightened Van. "Would she go down on you in a theatre?"

"Kinky!" cried Allen and Dryden together. Allen seemed to be struck by a sudden idea, and pulled a small notebook and pen from a compartment in his sleeves, to begin writing down every bitter word Merle spat into Van's face.

"Does she speak eloquently, and would she have your baby? I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother." She sneered at Hitomi as she said the last part. Hitomi looked somewhat confused, as if she wanted to be flattered by Merle calling her an excellent mother, but was put at odds by Merle's _expression. Millerna looked vaguely excited at the thought of watching a birth. Eries looked on with detached fascination, like Queen Elizabeth tuning into today's episode of Jerry Springer. Dryden was laughing hysterically, finding the _expression on everyone's faces unbearably funny. And Allen scribbled away furiously, knowing this would be great come-back material for the next time he got dumped.

Merle leaned forward, glaring intently at Van, who appeared to be calculating the distance to the nearest exit. "Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no!"

Van, looking more desperate than ever, tried to plea with her. "Merle, please, you're embarrassing yourse-"

But Merle would have none of it! She slammed her paw on the table and continued. "And every time you speak her name does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you died? Till you died, but you're still alive!" At this point she jumped to her feet, pointing at Van like some avenging pre-teen cat demon. "'Cause I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when it went away! It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me! You, you, you, oughta know!" With that she sank back into her chair, head hung low, as if that outburst had drained all her energy.

Dryden wiped tears from his eyes as he caught his breath. "Van, you little pedophile, you are sooo busted."

Millerna looked a little confused. "But I thought Hitomi…"

Allen finished writing with a flourish. Looking over at Van, he grinned. "So, Van, is it true?" he asked.

Van glared at him. "Is what true?" he snapped.

Allen's grin became even wider. "Do cat-girls really like to-" 

Before he could finish, Eries threw a roll into his mouth, not wanting Millerna to hear the rest of the question. Dryden looked mildly impressed, observing the violently coughing Allen. Eries settled back down and resumed sipping. Hitomi turned to Van with a shell-shocked _expression. Van cleared his throat nervously and gave a nervous little laugh. As he was opening his mouth to try and explain, he was shushed by everyone at the table. Merle, her head resting in her hands, had begun speaking softly. "You look very well."

"I was a whole lot better about ten minutes ago." He muttered sulkily.

"Shhhhh!"

Merle drew a shaky breath. "I'm not quite as well." She picked up her butter knife, holding it loosely in one paw. "I thought you should know."

"As if that weren't blatantly obvious." snapped Van.

Merles head snapped up, and she looked even angrier than before. Her hand tightened around the butter knife, and she leapt onto the table. "Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?"

"Ouch!" cried Allen gleefully.

"I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner!" Merle slammed the knife into the small area of chair between Vans thighs, causing him to give a high pitched "EEEK!" and jump backwards so violently that his chair tipped over.

Dryden had resumed laughing, and cheered Merle on. "You tell him, girl!"

"Shut up, Dryden!" Van yelled, his voice cracking as Merle jumped off the table to stand in front of him. "It's not funny!"

Merle grabbed his face, forced him to look at her, their faces inches apart. "It was a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced!"

"What a bastard." Millerna said in disgust, her sister nodding agreement.

Merle narrowed her eyes and looked at Hitomi, turning Vans face to her and hissed softly "Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" At this point, Hitomi's eyes became so huge they threatened to eclipse her face, and she fell out of her chair, passing out, this thought being too much for her too handle.

Allen and Dryden looked as though Christmas had come early this year, glad that for once they weren't the ones being yelled at about faithfulness.

Merle stood up and stared down at Van coldly. "Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide. No! And every time you speak her name does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you died? Till you died, but you're still alive!" Van looked as if he didn't expect to be alive much longer. 

Allen looked down at him reproachfully. "You know, she has a point there, Van."

"Shut it, Allen!"

Merle jumped back on the table, leaving Van sprawled across the floor. "And I'm here to remind you, of the mess you left when you went away! It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me! You, you, you oughta know!"

Millerna jumped up, punching the air. "Tell it like it is, catgirl!!!"

Eries gave an enthusiastic thumbs up. Dryden was rolling on the ground, laughing manically.

Merle jumped down in front of Van and stood over him, hands on hips. "Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me, and I'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes!" He immediately closed his eyes tightly as Merle bent over and grabbed a handful… of shirt. "And you know it! And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back, I hope you feel it! Well can you feel it!?" Van looked like he was about to pass out with Hitomi.

Millerna frowned. "I wonder who she's talking about…"

Eries, Dryden and Millerna turned as one to stare at Allen.

Allen paused his writing and looked up. "What?" he said, rather offended. "It's not ME!

The others looked skeptical, but refrained from comment as Merle started up again. She stood back up, letting his shirt go and his head hit the floor with a thunk and a whimper. She pointed at him again, as he shrunk away like he was trying to disappear into the floor. "And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away! It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me. You, you, you oughta know!!!!"

On that resounding note, she stalked over to the window, where a suspiciously familiar red melef appeared. The little door thing opened, revealing the answer to Millerna's burning question. As Merle and Dilandau flew away, the Austurian guests looked at each other in Hitomi-esque shock.

"Well," Allen commented, "I did say it wasn't me…"

Eries shook her head in amazement and looked down briefly at the passed out couple on the floor. "I vote we head over to Devon's and find out how much whiskey it takes to forget this whole thing."

Not even shocked by Eries being the one making this suggestion, they unanimously agreed, and left to go get wasted. THE END.


End file.
